There are five stages to getting over a broken heart or any traumatic loss, and a break-up definitely qualifies!

These stages are now frequently referred to as the Kübler-Ross model, The Five Stages of Coping with Loss. Getting over a broken heart will occur in stages. There are five stages, which are:

DENIAL - This is when we will say things like, "I feel fine," or "This can't be happening, not to me!" This is numbed disbelief. We can go into shock, and most often will, and this provides protection emotionally from being completely overwhelmed by the loss. Shock can last for short or long periods of time.

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ANGER - The shock will eventually wear off, and we will recognize that denial cannot logically continue. But, when shock leaves, the suffering of unbelievable pain enters. This pain, or heartache, can seem overwhelming, excruciating and almost unbearable, but we must experience this suffering in it's entirety, and not hide it, repress it, or attempt to avoid it or escape from it with alcohol, drugs, sex, food, or other "crutches". There may also be feelings of guilt or remorse about things you did "wrong" or didn't do "right" with your partner. Your life will most likely feel chaotic, "out of control", and scary during this phase. You will, at some point, have the thoughts, or say things such as, "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "This is someone's fault!"; "I don't deserve this!"

BARGAINING - The third stage involves the hope that we can somehow postpone or delay or change what has happened. Our relationship has ended, but as we are getting over a broken heart, we think we can perhaps negotiate for another chance. Usually, whether religious or not, we try to "make a deal" with God or a higher power in exchange for our promised reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, we are saying, "I understand my relationship has died, but if I could just do something to buy more time..." Another example of bargaining is, "I'll never drink again, if you'll just bring him/her back to me."

DEPRESSION - Here, we will say things like, "I am so very sad. Why bother with anything?"; "I've lost the only person I really love. What's the point?"; "I miss him/her so much, why go on?" Understanding that our loss is real, and the relationship is over, we may withdraw and become silent. We may try to disconnect from things of love and affection, refusing to see people, and spending a lot of our time crying and grieving. This is an important time for us to grieve fully, and not look for ways to "cheer up". Getting over a broken heart takes time. When well-meaning friends and associates my think you should be moving on, you may experience extended periods of sad reflection, feelings of emptiness, loneliness, and despair. This is very normal.

ACCEPTANCE - This is the final stage, but it is by no means easy or filled with joy "at the end of the long, hard journey". You will never return to the "you" that you were before this relationship ended, and although that may be a good thing overall, it may not feel that way initially. Here, we will find ourselves saying things like, "It's going to be okay,"; "I can't fight this, so I may as well accept it for what it is." Life will begin - perhaps ever so slowly - to calm down, and you will begin to feel more of a rhythm and sense or organization. Your physical symptoms should lessen and the depression should begin to abate somewhat. Your mind will begin to "kick in" again and you will begin to focus on solutions to the problems that have come, and you will begin to reconstruct your life without him/her. As you begin getting over a broekn heart, you once again begin to feel hope arising within you. You will feel motivated to become a better you!

 

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